Projection
by Ayu Ohseki
Summary: Written for 30kisses, pairing WhitexBlack, though it doesn't have to be read as slash. Gaignun reminisces about his feelings towards his older brothers when he was a child...especially where Albedo was concerned.


**NOTE:** The first of my Albedo/Gaignun 30kisses (using themes #8 - our own world, #26 - if only I could make you mine, and#27 - overflow), although this story is written in such a fashion that you do not have to interpret it as slash. Interesting fact—when I started writing this, I wrote it in Japanese, as a challege. But it ended up too difficult to do for a complete four-and-a-half page piece, so I'm sticking with English instead. I'll try a different, shorter SS in Japanese later!

* * *

_projection_

* * *

I felt like I'd been abandoned, whenever I watched those two...

Oh—no, it's an old story. It's just that, even though we're all brothers, when we played together, I somehow felt lonely.

I know that Jr. and Albedo had no such intentions at all, but when we three were together, it sometimes seemed like they were just letting me tag along. That, even if I weren't there, they would have been just as happy. I saw that closeness they shared, and I wanted it for myself.

That's why I was happy to mediate for them whenever they fought. It meant that I was the one they liked better, and that they'd be grateful to me by the time they reconciled.

The feeling called "jealousy"—it's pathetic, isn't it? For me, it's incredibly unsightly. I'm a little embarrassed to admit I felt that way, but since I'm past it now, it doesn't matter much.

But, back then, it hurt to be around them. I kept it to myself because I was ashamed of feeling that way. To have such childish feelings, even though I was supposed to be the adult one, was anathema. I even hated myself sometimes for it.

"Am I really necessary to either of you?" I would sometimes wonder. I never asked, though. I was afraid of what the answer might be. I instead reassured myself that I was thinking too much, even if I didn't really believe it, because those two care about each other best and they always have.

The most pathetic part about this, I think, is how selfish it is. I think that both of you have suffered much more than I have. Jr., whose body shall never age, and Albedo, whose body shall never die... Compared to that, feeling slighted because you two, who were originally one, think about each other best is ridiculous.

No...no, scratch that last part. That's no good. I'll start over.

I was truly happy then. Yes... I didn't even mind being a burden, because I knew I was the only one who thought that way. We all treasured each other. Even if I was second, considering my competition, I could be content with that. I could get used to it. And I was content—I was used to it. But...

It really is unfair. I'm a terrible man. But the reason why it's unfair and I'm terrible isn't just that. Even I play favorites.

I think, between the two of them, I treasure Jr. more. However, between the two of them, I identify more strongly with Albedo. Jr. is, to us, a huge existence. He is the leader; he is our older brother. I don't think it's possible for us _not_ to adore him. Despite knowing his heart better, I preferred Jr.'s company. No...maybe it was because I understood him a little that I was like that.

Albedo is like a white mirror that displayed all the flaws that my darkness concealed. It was distressing to be around him sometimes. Usually, I thought that he was unreasonable for being upset on the occasions that Jr. wanted to do things on his own. But sometimes I quietly thought that Jr. was cruel for getting so smitten with Sakura that he forgot about us.

I dealt with it by covering it up with annoyance, telling him not to forget the mission. Albedo didn't deal with it—he just got more anxious, and cried. I don't blame Jr. for being frustrated with him, but I don't think he dealt with it properly.

But that was a part of their world, the one that I didn't belong to, so I didn't think it was my place to speak.

He took us for granted. I didn't mind, myself. We all took each other for granted, which is acceptable, because we were children. But it always hurt Albedo. I saw this, but I only really realized what it meant on a few occasions. I don't know how often Jr. saw it, or if he did anything if he did. But Albedo has always been Jr.'s weak point, so I think he'd rather ignore it if he saw it at all.

There was one time... I'll never forget it. I made a comment about how the standards seemed to be awfully fragile. The three of us started talking about it, and Jr. and Albedo eventually got into an argument so bad Jr. wouldn't talk to Albedo, and Albedo hid himself in the woods. After talking to Jr., I walked into the forest to try to calm Albedo down too.

It wasn't long before I found him. "Albedo, are you all right?" I said.

He didn't answer. He was crying, so I thought maybe he hadn't heard. I took a step forward.

"Albedo, do you want to talk?"

He stood up so quickly it startled me. "It's YOUR fault!" he screamed, his thin hands balling into fists.

"Huh? What is?"

"That fight just now. You did it on purpose, didn't you! You said something that you knew'd get Rubedo angry at me!"

"Wh, what are you talking about all of a sudden? I wouldn't..."

"_Liar_! You always get between us. Whether it's making us fight or making us get along... You're always there, in the way! Why do you have to be around, anyway! Nobody needs you! No one wants you! Just go away and leave us alone!"

I took a step backwards, unable to say anything. His words, which I'd always been afraid of hearing, cut my heart like a scalpel.

"Albedo...don't...don't say something like that... Look, Rubedo wouldn't like it either, okay?"

"You think Rubedo would take your side over mine! He's MY other half! I won't let you or Sakura or _anyone_ steal him from me, you hear! You're nothing! Nothing! NOTHING!"

I was trembling so hard that when he shoved me, I just fell over. He sat on top of me and grabbed my neck with both hands. Terrified, I grabbed his wrists, but he just squeezed and squeezed like he wanted to strangle everything he hated out of me.

/No—stop—Albedo—please stop it—/

"Why did you even have to be born?" he yelled as tears stained his cheeks. "Why do you even have to exist? I just—I just want Rubedo to love me as much as I love him—without you or Sakura making him look away from me—!"

/He DOES love you! More...more than anything else.../

My own tears had dampened his hands. At that moment, he snapped out of it, and stared at me with eyes rinsed clear. I continued to cry, continued to hold onto his arms.

/Don't you understand...? He's always loved you best. I've watched you both all my life. I...know.../

He let go of me then. I didn't see his face because I had my eyes tightly shut. He tried to move away, but I clung to his arm, and he laid down next to me.

/I can never compare to you no matter what I do. As long as you had each other, if I were gone, it wouldn't matter—that's how I feel. It's just like you say. Neither of you needs me. Neither of you wants me. If you'll just let me near you, I can be satisfied with that alone. I don't want to be alone.../

I held on tighter and cried even harder. If Albedo really hated me that much, I thought it didn't matter if I let him see my honest face. I couldn't even keep my words over the link from becoming disjointed.

/i/i don't want you to hate me/ (i just want one of you to love me like you love each other) /If I can't have that/ (then I want to at least be important to you) (I want to be needed) If I can't have that, either :then I...:

He was very quiet as I spoke, and at that moment, he slowly wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I didn't notice at first because I was shaking, but when I opened my eyes, I realized he was trembling as much as I was.

"A..." My throat still hurt, so my voice was very tiny. "Albedo?"

He hugged me tightly, and I shut my eyes again and hugged him back.

"I'm sorry, Nigredo," he whispered, voice wavering. "I'm so sorry..."

I buried my face in his shoulder. Albedo was holding me so tightly it hurt, but I welcomed the pain. Because that pain was what was connecting me to him. "Why?"

"I..." /I'm horrible/ (i said such cruel things) but i'm everything I called you... "_I'm_ the one no one needs! _I'm_ the one no one wants. I wasn't even supposed to be born—just a piece of Rubedo mutilated from his back..." i'm just /I'm just scraps, clinging to Rubedo because he's the only thing I've got/ "At least Father _meant_ for you to exist. At least _he_ wants you. If Rubedo rejects me, then I've..." (i've got nothing)

/do you think that makes me happy.../ (father is father, but) you're my brothers (the ones who are connected to me) :mind and soul: "I want _you_."

Albedo sobbed then, and I sobbed along with him. We opened ourselves to each other over the link, our tears and fears. It was an experience that cannot be described with mere words. Just thinking about it, I...

Excuse me, I need a moment.

... ...Yes, I'm fine. I'll be fine. It's nothing.

Anyway, the two of us laid there on the dirt, clinging to each other—like we would break if we let go. I saw his thoughts and emotions, and he saw mine. Never before in my life had I ever been so honest with someone. Nor have I ever been so honest after. We both shook so hard we thought we would fall apart.

I'm not sure when it was that we finally returned to the Institute. What I remember is that we eventually sat up, and we softly wiped each other's tears away. Albedo caught my hands in the middle, and just held them, staring at me.

I stared back, and at that moment he meant more to me than anything else. Overcome with emotion, I whispered, "I love you, Albedo."

His purple eyes began to well up with tears again. As an empath, the emotion was even more overwhelming for him. Very, very silently, so that I could only tell from the formation of his lips and the echoes of his mind, he replied:

/I love you too, Nigredo./

We held each other, even though it was uncomfortable due to the way we were sitting. We didn't care. And eventually, we got to our feet, rubbed away the last of our tears, and walked back hand in hand.

He asked me later if I was okay, incidentally. My neck still hurt, but I didn't want him to feel guilty, so I told him not to worry, my body was fine. He laughed, said 'of course it is!' and accepted it at that. This was before he told us he could regenerate... I should have wondered why he reacted that way...

We got along much better after that, although our hearts were never so open to each other again—although we never did care for each other best, even if we still cared for each other. We both hid the event in a corner of a small box of our memories, having made an unspoken agreement to keep it a secret just between us. And we only relived it in certain moments when we glanced at each other. To this day, Jr. doesn't know about it.

Looking back on it, I...I miss him. It's stupid to miss someone who tried to kill you several times, but I do. Even though I was shaking—or maybe because of it—I felt closer to him in that instant than I have towards any other person in my life.

It was as if, for a moment, he was looking at _me_, the real me. I felt so vulnerable, and yet I saw the real him, too. It was like looking into a mirror inversed. For a precious short time, we existed in our own world. And I was so happy, I was frightened.

But that's all in the past. It has nothing to do with me anymore. Now Albedo's gone back to thinking of nothing but Jr. again, and Jr.'s preoccupied with him too. But that's fine. I have the Foundation, Helmer, Mary and Shelley; there's no need at all to be jealous.

Besides, they are each other's yin and yang. Albedo is Jr.'s responsibility, and Jr. is Albedo's obsession. That's just the way it is, and my place is only to protect Jr. when necessary.

That hatred, that sorrow, that longing... It's a part of their own world—the one to which I don't belong.


End file.
